ok this time of year is always hard for us.trying to figure out bills and getting the kids christmas together. my kids are doing so well in school. and i want them to have a great christmas. but i have no idea how we will afford it. i am trying not to get depressed but money is kind of tight theese days. my husband pays alot of child support for his three girls that are not mine. and that is what he is supposed to do. it's just that this time of the year you can really tell that we are just getting by. i thank the lord for every thing he does for us and i know he will make a way for us like he always does. i just am the type that worries.and i just pray we can give them a good christmas and still pay the bills. i will leave it in gods hands and trust him to see me through. i need to stop complaining because there are people way worse off than i am and i ask the lord to bless them as well. i do not know why i get like this every year.my hubby will start to work more overtime because he worries too. but we will be fine. we always are. the lord has always made a way for us so i know he will this time. i need to stop stressing so much. i can't seem to help it. i just don't want my kids to wake up like i used to on christmas. and have nothing. i know that won't happen. i just do not want them to expierence any of my childhood memories. well let me stop before i go off the deep end. i just want to thank god for all he has done for me. for waking me up every morning and for giving me babies to worry about and a husband responsible enough to pay child support. all the things i have and do not have i thank the lord for because if i am suppose to have it he will provide it.

motherless child

i wish you could feel the pain i bare.
tears come from my eyes,and don't even care.
i can't explain the way i'm feeling inside.
cause my heart is heavy and i don't know why.

i thank the lord for his blessing of so many things.
for all the people in my life and all the joy they bring.
my life i can say is more blessed then some.
but theese feelings i have always make my heart numb.

lord i ask you to guide me and to clear my mind.
i know things will get better with the passing of time.

but sometimes i feel like i can't take it no more.
feels like i have no clue what i'm living for.
the things i go through just don't seem fair.
but lord i know you won't give me more than i can bare.

well i had a good holiday. everything was gravy. the kids had a ball. i got a few of their christmas toys today. and no i did not get up at 5am. i can not deal with thaT SHIT.my attitude is not right for those situations. i can be a total bitch sometimes. i talked to my baby sister yesterday. she is fine. i am glad. i hope my other sister is ok. well nothing to do but chill. i got my niece a coat today and my nephew some pants . i will give them to my baby sister to take to them cause i'm not dealing with thier mom right now. i still love her though. i really missed my mom yesterday. i wonder what she thinks about the situation with my sister, i know she would understand were i'm coming from. my baby sister is really understanding and i love her for that. it just worries me not to know what my sister is thinking. she lives with some crazy ass people and i hope they are not telling her shit to do. any way i'm uo my mom in laws about to eat some seafood.wil go home in a little while. i hope oneday all of us can be sisters again i'm so mad at her but i still love the bitch. we have to do laundry. well the lord has blessed us with a house out of town.so we will have a washer and dryer soon. we should be moving in march. i am a ittle afraid about moving. cause i have no family down there. but i don't really have family in baltimore either. so maybe it's time for a change. well until next time.

peace, motherless child

thanksgiving was wonderful. i missed my mom though. and i can admit i missed my sisters too. i wish my sister would have not did what she did. she messed up big this time. well anyway we had a ball at mom in laws house. we had fried turkey, a turduckin,jerk turkey,ham, potato salad ,greens,dressing, . to many oter things for me to name. my two older kids spent the night up there. i have a damn toothache out of this world but i still thank god for this day and everyday i open my eyes. i am tired i do not know why i'm on the computer. so i'm going to bed i will finish tommorow.

ALL TIME I'VE WONDERED WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.
MY ONE TRUE LOVE,MY REAL BEST FRIEND.
ALL THEESE YEARS I'VE WONDERED WHAT I WAS FOR.
NOW I KNOW, FOR YOU TO BE MINE AND I TO BE YOURS.

MY LIFE HAS NEW MEANING NOW THAT YOUR HERE.
NO MORE LONELY NIGHTS FILLED WITH TEARS.
I DID'NT EVEN KNOW MY SOUL COULD COME ALIVE.
UNTIL YOU TOUCHED MY HEART WHEN YOU LOOKED IN MY EYES.

I HAVE BEEN THROUGH TROUBLES,YES THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW.
BUT I SURVIVED THEM ALL, SO I COULD MAKE IT TO YOU.
EVERYDAY IS FOR YOU, YES ALL OF MY TIME.
EVERYTHING IS ALL GOOD, YOU ARE ALL MINE